Thursday, 6 December 2007

blogphilosophy me, my ego and i

Sometimes my ego bloats and I do not like it. Those are the times I wonder if my blog will be read around the world, I want doors to open if people would hear my name…. I am ashamed of these thoughts, they make me inhuman. I am lucky that my karma immediately gets into action, in those moments of utter delusion I will get doors slammed in my face, proposals will be plummeted, I will get yelled at so loud everyone hears it... Those things bring me back to the essence: ego must be kept to its necessary proportions: very, very tiny.

Ever since I was a child I had fits, fits in which I suddenly thought I was the center of the world (no, the universe!), the power player of the team … Alexandra the Great. I try to avoid stepping into this trap of make believe by keeping the focus outside myself and on the real issues, but sometimes I fail blatantly. Ego stops my learning process. I am a wimp for letting ego get to me.

Situations that can launch my ego are: getting up on a stage, making a presentation or doing something in front of an audience. This in itself is ok. BUT… when people afterwards come to wish me well, my ego will be sitting on my left shoulder ready to grow bigger than the biggest, ugliest toad ever as soon as I let my guard down. Do I like this: NOT AT ALL. I hate it. My ego throws me off balance, makes me blind for potential chances and the thing I dislike the most is that it strips me from my humanity. Ego stops growth. Self-esteem can be ok, but that is were it stops; anything more will just clog up my soul and temper with my own mental growth.

So from time to time I crush my ego, just to keep me on my toes, to keep me within my human boundaries. At those moments I wonder about blogging… is it my ego that pushes me to blog or is it really my mind that wants to open, share, exchange, reflect, learn? Up until now I believe it is a mixture of the will to reflect and exchange ideas. Openness is essential for a good knowledge exchange. Blogging makes me think more indepth about the things I write down, about things I need in my job. So I am thankful to many. I am humbled by the knowledge of others that are willing to share their knowledge with me, to discuss content.

As long as my ego is kept on a small leash, I will keep learning. Learning is good. Being just me is excellent; moments of enlightenment come in small drops, I hope they will grow bigger.